


The World Where Nothing Happens.

by potatomin



Category: CLAMP - Works, Tokyo Babylon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Subaru goes 41 years without meeting Seishiro and hitsuzen has a fit, background Hokuto, background Kamui, background Seishiro, background Yuuko too, implied Seishiro, not quite how it sounds, one foot in psychological horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 09:57:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10002641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatomin/pseuds/potatomin
Summary: Subaru is 41, and lives peacefully, for a time.There was a season where Subaru’s hands would itch.





	

There was a season where Subaru’s hands would itch.

It started slowly, not too pronounced at first. He couldn’t say when it started, maybe sometime around 35, maybe earlier. Definitely 40. Hokuto noticed it before he did, and called it a nervous tick. He supposed it was, although he would swear by the itch, and the places where his skin felt tight.

When Hokuto came over, in this season, she would take his hands and vigorously rub some scented cream or another into them. The smell would be very strong and sweet, staying with him the rest of the day even when she had gone. She visited less now that they were older and she was married. She had a kitchen with no mess or bugs now, but she would still come by from time to time with food if she suspected that he was neglecting himself again. She had two children, and he was glad to be ‘Uncle Subaru’, even if it made him aware of his age. Hokuto made him promise not to give his age away to people-  _41-_ lest they put two and two together and figure out hers.

***

He found himself dizzy, one day, and bought a water bottle from the zoo vending machine. If he was bad with food, he was worse with water- He would forget to drink until some kind of symptom would present, usually a headache. He found that it didn’t go away with one bottle, and went back for another.

***

Subaru was glad to be able to work with animals. They understood things. He could be as quiet as he liked with them, or whisper little secrets if he had no human that would take them well. He didn’t like to burden those around him, but the animals in his charge were exceptionally good secret keepers.

“Don’t tell Hokuto-chan,” He whispered to an otter, “But I think a strong wind would blow me away today.”

***

Subaru hadn’t been remembering his dreams lately. This in itself was unremarkable, most people regularly forgot their dreams, but he woke with the feeling. He was left with a strange multidirecitonal pull in the morning, like he was tied up in something chaotic and squeezed tight. It would fade, by the time he was out the door.

He remembered Hokuto talking about the negative health effects of caffeine- over an expensive caramel latte, of course- and wondered if he should cut back.

***

It was like the moment came in on the wind, when it did.

He had a week of unnameable tension; The image of a snake that slithered between rocks to shed it’s too-tight skin was on his mind. He curled in on himself, trying to keep grounded, but the gentle wind seemed to threaten his constitution. His hands were together, one thumb running over the back of his hand to soothe.

He tried to breathe evenly, and it did not work.

***

There was an itch, deep beneath his skin, and he couldn’t reach it.

***

The animals knew that something was wrong, often before Subaru did. They snuffled at him and squeaked.

He tried to comfort them.

“I don’t know.” He spoke softly.

“I don’t know, I don’t know.”

***

When every medical test came out normal, Kamui pensively suggested panic disorder.

Subaru knew that it bothered Kamui to not be able to directly intervene. Kamui had become a nurse to protect and preserve, and Subaru slipping through his capacity for protection would ache for a while. They went to dinner together after Kamui got off work that Friday, and talked for a long time. Subaru saw Kamui’s face falter once or twice, and only realized after that it was when he was scratching his hands.

***

Hokuto had the simplest answer.

She had held out a pair of gloves to him like they spoke for themselves, which he supposed they did. He put them on wordlessly, and they fit well. She gave him operatically stern instruction that he was to live in them now, and he smiled through it. She threatened to take him shopping for more, but the kids came into the room- asking about the zoo and going to get ice cream. Subaru and Hokuto both smiled, and Subaru spent the rest of the day with them on.

***

He would slip out of them when handling the animals, and they would try to heal the marks left behind with nuzzling and licks. They looked at him, and they understood, perhaps more than he did.

***

He would shift into a quiet frenzy and couldn’t hope to stop it, to hold onto the edge and keep from dropping. It was everywhere, not just his hands- next to the bone, deeper inside, somewhere in his arms and legs and chest there was an urgent  _thing_ that he  _needed to do,_  and he had nothing for it; No way in or out.

He held himself through the flare-ups when he was alone, coiled up in a tightly held comforter. He made sure not to let Hokuto see him when he got like this, let alone the kids. He’d been apologizing to the animals when he got the chance, when his nerves became contagious and frightened them as well.

***

There was a taxidermied butterfly on his therapist’s wall.

He described his problem- what he thought his problem was, and when he was asked he removed Hokuto’s gloves to show her the backs of his hands. He mentioned what Kamui said-  _Panic disorder-_  and she listened. They talked about treatment and goal-setting, where he was and where he would like to be by the end. He talked about wanting to be able to be a good brother to Hokuto, and a good uncle to her children- to be able to be there for them, and smile for them.

She paused for a time, in the middle of their discussion, and wrote something down.

When she looked back up, she glanced at his hands, and he put them at his sides quickly. He had been thumbing over the backs of them again.

***

He remembered his dream this time.

It’s the smallest moment, mostly void, only himself.

His hands are bleeding, but he’s holding them gladly, pressing the back of one against his face. He can smell the blood, and feel it tack on his skin, but he’s higher than he’s ever been.

He pulls his hands away to look at them again-

 

_Oh,_

He thought when he woke, riding on the ebb of a strange euphoria;

_It’s a star._

***

Subaru saw him by the penguins.

The man cut a curious silhouette against his surroundings, dressed in smart office-wear, holding an ice cream cone. He watched the penguins intently as they waddled about.

Subaru watched him watch them for a time, not approaching or retreating, hopefully hidden well enough. He didn’t know why he stayed- perhaps he envied that peace. When the man finished off the ice cream cone, Subaru knew he had to tear himself away and go.

His hands ached, and he let himself rub them through the fabric of the gloves.

***

The hand on his shoulder nearly scared the life out of him.

Subaru turned, and was face to face with his stranger. A lot of things in him froze, then.

“Excuse me,” The man was very soft with him, but looked deep into his eyes, “Have we met before?”

Subaru couldn’t have been sure, or unsure, or said anything at all. His consciousness was stuck somewhere in his stranger’s eyes, behind the glasses, far away from himself. If Subaru’s mouth was open, he closed it, and swallowed.

 

Time passed.

Neither of them moved.

 

When the man did, it was to take Subaru’s hand and lift it up. He looked at it for a moment, the thing he couldn’t know. He smiled.

The man leaned down to press a kiss to the back of the glove, looking at Subaru again over the rims of his glasses.

 

Something stuttered to life in Subaru, and he breathed in.

 


End file.
